22.09.2023
Changing the Story of Domestic Abuse – Mothers’ Union Steps Up Campaign
“I am not weak. I am not useless. I am not worthless. I am strong. I am capable and I am valued. I am a survivor.” With these powerful words, survivor Lesley Bayley brought home the reality of domestic abuse to those attending the Mothers’ Union conference on the issue at the weekend. All the excellent theoretical and practical information given at the ‘Changing the Story’ conference was brought sharply into focus by Lesley’s moving testimony and in the minutes that she spoke to her captivated audience she represented the 1 in 3 women around the globe who are affected by domestic abuse and sexual violence.
Changing the Story was organised by Mothers’ Union with the aim of equipping the Church to take action and end domestic abuse. The conference took place in both in the Gathering Grounds at Kilternan Parish in Dublin (on Saturday September 16) and in Seagoe Parish in Portadown (on Friday September 15).
Lesley’s story (used here with her permission) was greeted with a standing ovation in the Gathering Grounds as she outlined her 11 year marriage. She said that while there was an age gap, he was a kind and sweet man. But once they were married things changed. Throughout her marriage she endured verbal and physical abuse.
“I was trapped and no one would believe me,” she said explaining that when she did speak to someone they didn’t think her husband was capable of such acts. “During my years of abuse no one spoke about these things and I didn’t know I could go to the Gardai or get support from organisations. This conference and Mothers’ Union are raising awareness. Every day around the world people suffer from gender based violence. Don’t judge people. No one can understand what is like to live through an abusive relationship unless you have done it. People say ‘Why didn’t you leave?’ When someone beats you and abuses you, you are isolated. You come to believe that you deserve it.”
Lesley told those gathered that a driving licence gave her freedom and a teabag saved her life. She had taken driving lessons and when she felt ready to leave she decided to do so when the box of teabags in the press ran out.
Introducing the conference, MU All Ireland President June Butler reminded attendees why they had organised the conference. One in two women who are killed are murdered by a partner or ex–partner. In Northern Ireland, the PSNI field one call every 16 minutes that related to domestic violence. She also urged people to remember the children in homes where there is domestic abuse. Domestic abuse is not just physical, she reminded people. It can take the form of coercive control, emotional abuse, financial abuse and sexual abuse. “No one knows what goes on behind closed doors. We’re here today to find out what we as a church can do,” she said.
Speak Up
Bekah Legg of UK charity Restored which raises awareness, supports survivors and equips the Church to take action, based her talk on Judges 19: 30: ‘Just imagine. We must do something. So speak up”. She said the extraordinary story suggests women are worthless and not worth saving. She pointed out it illustrated a pivotal moment when people were outraged and said something must be done and someone must speak up. The woman in the story would not have been the first to be killed or sacrificed and Bekah likened it to the death of George Floyd which set off a wave around the world. She said that in 2021 nine million girls were raped. Around the world 137 women are killed every day. In Ireland 12 women were killed last year and four women were killed in Northern Ireland.
“This leaves us with the question: how do we speak up. This conference is a start. But we want to stop clearing up the mess and stop it happening. We need to look at the roots of the problem. It starts with behaviours and beliefs,” she stated.
Equipping the Church to Take Action
Jacqui Armstrong of Mothers’ Union, Lydia Monds of Church’s Ministry of Healing and Emma Lynch of Tearfund Ireland outlined the training programme they have devised with Restore to equip the Church of Ireland to bring about change. The programme for parishes involves five sessions and begins by outlining the global situation and the roots of the problem before turning to the situation in Ireland. The third session gives context for churches and tools to help them take action. The fourth describes work done by the Anglican Communion and the final part details a framework put together by the Diocese of Melbourne. The accompanying handbook is a guide for churches to address domestic abuse. It is adapted from the Restored materials and gives practical information on how churches can stand against abuse and respond well to victims and survivors as well as to perpetrators. There are also theological reflections and services to which victims can be signposted.
The Rector of Athlone, the Revd William Stacey, spoke of his parish’s experience. He and three members of the parish (two women and two men) took part in the pilot training course. After completing the course they sought to raise awareness of domestic abuse in the community and took part in the 16 Days of Activism. They teamed up with their local women’s refuge, Gardai and the Soroptimists. “I spend half my time worrying about maintaining buildings and I felt that this was part of my calling to support people. I encourage you to be courageous and trust that God will give you an opening… We’re not experts. We are [now] more aware of the issues around domestic abuse and gender based violence. We feel more equipped to speak about it and point people in need in the right direction. I recommend this course. Your participation will go a long way to helping the Church to end domestic abuse,” he said.
Referring to the Bible study of Judges, Archbishop Michael Jackson said it had brought together the ideas of power, hierarchy, safety and sacrifice. He referred to another Bible study given in a different context by Kenyan theologian Esther Mumbo on the story of the Good Samaritan. She had discussed the story with women in a local market and their response was “why did nobody do anything about the road?” “And this is what you are doing today – raising awareness and working towards prevention, support and protection, and signposting people to those who are more expert. I encourage you to take this story and listen to the wise when they talk about how we can take action,” he said pledging his support to continue the action.
The Bible Doesn’t Tell Me So
Baptist Minister and Old Testament specialist, the Revd Dr Helen Paynter, explored the way the Bible is weaponised, both deliberately by perpetrators of domestic abuse and inadvertently by churches. She outlined some of the ways Scripture is misused by abusers, mainly men against women and suggested many of the interpretations of the Bible were taken out of context to justify issues such as: wives must submit to their husbands, ideal wives such as Sarah and Esther, marital rape, the wife being seen as the helper belittling women, domination of husbands, the idea of female silence, the idea that God hates divorce, and wives must forgive their abusers.
In the afternoon Dr Paynter spoke of finding hope and truth in Scripture. She detailed five great truths: that God is for the put down, the marginalised and the shoved around; Jesus suffered too; Jesus was a non–toxic man; God loves you; don’t be silenced – Scripture encourages protest.
Rise Up
Emily Brailsford, Domestic Abuse Manager at MU’s Mary Sumner House in London, revealed the details of MU’s new Rise Up Challenge to raise awareness and activism against domestic abuse. Rise Up stands for: Respond, Inform, Support, Empower, Unite, Pray. The challenge has three levels: bronze, silver and gold. At the lower level of the challenge churches are encouraged to place posters with tear–off strips with helpline numbers in their churches and church buildings as well as in the wider community. The poster and all resources for the challenge will be available online at: https://www.mothersunion.org/riseup. There are also templates for a Rise Up service with sermon ideas. The 16 Days of Activism and No More 1 in 3 campaigns continue.
Changing the Story Wellbeing Group
Bekah and Jacqui talked about the Kintsugi Hope Programme, a wellbeing course which provides space for people to “name the tough thing and move on to take action”. They do not counsel but listen, believe and signpost. Anyone interested in joining the next group in February can contact Mothers’ Union.
MindMatters
Chairperson of the Church of Ireland’s MindMatters programme, Bishop Pat Storey, agreed that the Church should be entirely visible and vocal in supporting the MU campaign. She doubted that anyone enduring domestic abuse could have good mental health. She highlighted the MindMatters programme which aims to reduce the stigma around mental health and said it was important to talk about mental health struggles. She said MindMatters research was encouraging in that it found that people get support from their faith and their church community.
Domestic Abuse Services
Mary McDermott of Safe Ireland, a network of 39 independent organisations, explained that the journey out of an abusive relationship was horrendous. The time a woman decides to leave a relationship is when she is most at risk. Leaving may result in homelessness, mental health challenges and financial difficulties. “Since Covid one of the things that became clear is that there is general profound ignorance of domestic abuse,” she stated. “Responding to someone in domestic abuse is a highly skilled process so be careful before you step into that space but we need courage. Domestic violence, sex and gender violence and sexuality based violence … is pervasive. It is huge.” She said conferences like the Mothers’ Union’s were a gift beyond measure in bringing the message to the wider community.
The Revd Mike Buchanan, a Deacon Intern in the Diocese of Meath and Kildare, retired from An Garda Siochana after 31 years of service. During the pandemic crime numbers reduced but domestic abuse and sexual assault figures went through the roof. “In my experience people who experience this crime know that it is insidious, engenders fear, is disruptive of life, menacing, undermines security, and destroys confidence and self esteem. In policing terms it is fair to say that sometimes victims are reluctant to pursue matters in the courts because of isolation and fear. Domestic violence occurs at every level of Irish society,” he stated before detailing the legal processes by which people can get relief including court orders and domestic violence orders which can be obtained through the District Court. Gardai have powers should the orders be breached. He encouraged clergy to build relationships with local Gardai.
Joy Silcock spoke of her parish’s experience of becoming a Safe Church through the Onus
The conference closed with a reflection from former Archbishop of Armagh, the Rt Revd Richard Clarke, on the prayer by Sarum Primer, ‘God be in my head, and in my understanding’. “Each speaker we heard today kept bringing me back to the words of this prayer. We have learned that we can be duped, manipulated and fooled. I think we know that we are living in an age of patriarchy. Patriarchy is a social construct and it doesn’t have to be like that,” he said.
